For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
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Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
first you must answer his riddles
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations