@GrantTanaka: having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: Breaking: It's snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
@HappyHijabbi: *Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt* This one doesn't listen anymore...Can I get a new one?
@aka_fatman: Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway. Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident. Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!