having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
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SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”