Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
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Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital