[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
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*power walks to the refrigerator*
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
“How’s your day going?”
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.