[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
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I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.