[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
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Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Just how popey was the pope today?
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.