[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
You Might Also Like
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.