i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
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In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
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