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@RobElliottComic: [having sex]
Me: CHECK IT OUT NO HANDS!
Her: USE YOUR HANDS!
Me: *raises the roof*
@tarashoe: love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they'll show the dashboard panels, as though you'll be like ah. ah i see the issue
@beeftweets: I wish corn would teach other foods how to explode into a different food that's 10 times better.
@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: Who's your favorite mom?
Me: Who's your favorite dad?
@jwalkonthemoon: I'm not normally a name-dropper but Tiger Woods asked me to start his car in the dream I just had.
@OneFunnyMummy: I don't know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.