2023 was just a warmup
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The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”