Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
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Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?