[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
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Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Google assistant rules
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
#damn
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
next level snooze
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire