Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
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Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
👾👾👾
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.