Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
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No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.