Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
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Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.