Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
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Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.