Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
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My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.