Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
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Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.