Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
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Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
My dream job is getting paid to dream
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.