Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
You Might Also Like
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing