Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
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If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
My love language is deader than Latin
Another interesting #factupdates post!
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head