This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
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Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
The real reason evolution started..😂
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”