Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
You Might Also Like
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
They’re not wrong
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.