Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
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Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.