HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
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so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
#Caturday
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.