He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
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Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified