He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
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I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Can’t. Being lazy.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Bro what is this
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
the answer was staring at me all along
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Still cracks me up
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
People buying plungers never look happy.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*