He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
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Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
My biological clock is wheezing.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.