He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
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“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
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interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome