He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
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Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic