He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
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Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*