He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
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My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Seems kinda suspicious
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.