“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
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when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.