“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
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Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit