He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
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I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
I needed a laugh this morning.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave