saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
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Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Optional boss fight.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!