He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
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do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Goat cheese is for herders.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.