He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
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The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
LMAO.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
What the hell happened here.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop