He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
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5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.