@Cpin42: He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
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@mjkspeaks: Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump's security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
@platinum2000: "If you're pregnant you can't get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?" I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
@Brianhopecomedy: Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
@MrsFancyPants77: I take spiders outside in stead of killing them because it's not their fault that I'm scared of them. I do however, scream while doing so.