@RidiculousSheri: He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
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@GinGander: I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up. "My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather," she said.
@JoePetroske: Interview Tip: When you get the "where do you see yourself in 5 years" question, don't say "post-apocalyptic tribal warlord".
@BlindVigil: *Farmer walks into job application Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn't have a computer. Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
@ShesAllNat: Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box