@RidiculousSheri: He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
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@shutupmikeginn: A fun prank is to search "buy antique dolls" on someone's computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
@AmberDonn: The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn't be sacrificed anytime soon.
@KalvinMacleod: POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u *holds up picture of himself* ME: yes POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet ME: dang it
@AnkCoupleTO: [job interview] HR: *reading medical history* it says here you're a former addict? Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo