He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
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as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Merry Christmas
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside