He died doing what he loved: being alive
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it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some