Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
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Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men