He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
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friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
thanks auntie mary
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.