He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
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Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly