He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
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“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!