He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
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Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails