yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
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Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.