He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
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*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer