He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
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honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.