“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
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this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted